No one wants to believe that their spouse is unfaithful. Unfortunately, cheating is a common cause of divorce, and we frequently encounter couples who choose to dissolve their marriage over infidelity. If you’re contemplating a divorce in San Diego, you may be wondering if your spouse is unfaithful. Here are some of the most common signs of infidelity:
Changes in Phone or Electronic Device Behavior
One of the first telltale signs of cheating is changes in behavior regarding mobile device use. It might be second nature to grab your spouse’s phone and hand it over when it starts to ring – but if your spouse starts to get defensive about it, that’s a red flag. Your spouse might even try to turn the situation around on you, accusing you of being paranoid. Other red flags include spending more time on the phone than in the past, leaving their phone in their car overnight, or even being overly transparent about texts and phone calls. In this scenario, your spouse might be going to the other extreme to throw you off the scent.
Changes in Credit Card Behavior
In our years in the business, we’ve learned that cheaters can be incredibly dense when it comes to covering their trail. You wouldn’t think that your unfaithful spouse would charge flowers, hotels, or dinners to your shared account, but it happens more often than you might think. Keep an eye out for charges that aren’t work related, and carefully gauge a response when you confront your spouse about it. A common warning sign is refusing to show you the credit card statements altogether, or having a new credit card they never told you about.
One unexplained expense that we’ve seen expose cheaters is intimate apparel, such as new lingerie. If you find a receipt or proof of purchase of intimate wear but you have never seen your spouse wear anything new, they may be wearing it for someone else.
Periods of Unreachability
If there are often periods of time when you are unable to reach your spouse, this could be a red flag of infidelity. This is especially true if it is at a time when your spouse does not have a good reason for not answering the phone, such as being at work or in a meeting.
If your partner makes up excuses why they are unreachable or simply disappears without telling you, they could be spending these periods of time with a lover. Inconsistent explanations about why they were unreachable could also be a warning sign. Someone who is constantly lying will usually start giving inconsistent information, especially if asked repeated questions.
Less Intimacy
If you and your spouse have been considerably less intimate or your sex life is non-existent, it may be a sign that your spouse is getting physical with someone else. Compare your past sexual relationship with your spouse to more recent behaviors. A major change in desire, attraction or attention could be influenced by extramarital activities.
Negativity Surrounding the Relationship
Someone who is cheating may start to get frustrated that their husband or wife is not like the other person they’ve started seeing. This frustration may be expressed in the form of negativity toward your relationship. Your spouse may suddenly become unenthusiastic about your relationship, question your compatibility or bring up issues that were never a problem before. This is a way for cheaters to rationalize their unfaithful actions in their own minds by pushing the blame onto their spouses or finding perceived flaws in the relationship.
Changes in Appearance
While you may initially appreciate your spouse’s efforts to get healthy, exercise or enhance their appearance, you may eventually start to question their motives. Positive changes in appearance could mean that your spouse is trying to impress or capture the attention of someone outside of your marriage. Caring about their appearance more, enhanced personal grooming or a totally new look could be signs that your spouse is being unfaithful.
Emotional Detachment
Although every relationship has its ups and downs, if your spouse seems emotionally detached without reason or for a long stretch of time, this could be a sign that they have found someone new. Any unusual change in behavior could be a sign of infidelity, but becoming cold or distant with you in particular may point to cheating. A spouse that has entered into an extramarital relationship may no longer be attentive to their spouse’s emotional needs and may avoid discussions about their feelings.
Changes in Others’ Behaviors Toward You
In some cases, especially when infidelity has been going on for a while, the cheater may confide in close friends or family members about the affair. The other party may also be in the friend group. If you notice odd or unexplained changes in behavior toward you from others, especially your spouse’s friends, they may know something that you don’t. Keeping your spouse’s secret may make some people uncomfortable, and you might be able to pick up on this discomfort.
False Cheating Accusations
When someone knows they’ve done something wrong, they can start to project their own bad behaviors on others or imagine that everyone is doing it, too. If your spouse is cheating on you, this makes it more likely for them to accuse you of cheating, too. Sudden false accusations of cheating or lying could be a projection of what your spouse is actually doing to you. It could also arise out of feelings of jealousy or insecurity that were behind them seeking validation outside of your marriage.
Deflection
One common thread we see in cheaters is that they try to take the focus off themselves and put it on you, the non-cheating spouse. Common manipulative tactics include:
- Accusations of jealousy or paranoia. A cheater might say that you’re just imagining things or that you’re letting your emotions get away from you. They might try to put you down until you start to believe them. But if you have suspicions of cheating, they’re probably valid.
- Instigating fights. An unfaithful spouse might try to inspire guilt by being overly critical or picking fights over nothing. They might try to manipulate you into thinking you’ve done something wrong, even when you haven’t.
- Refusing to give direct answers to simple questions. Finally, your spouse might refuse to answer questions directly, such as why they’re spending more time away from home. Pressure at work is a common response.
No one wants to believe that their spouse is capable of cheating. Unfortunately, it happens more often than you might think. By being aware of the common signs, you can recognize cheating in your spouse and better prepare for what comes next.
Gut Feeling
At the end of the day, you know your spouse and you remember what your relationship used to feel like. When it comes to uncovering infidelity, trust your instincts. If your gut is telling you that your partner is cheating, start to do a little digging. Trust your intuition if it is saying that something is wrong. If you feel that something is off in your relationship combined with other potential signs of cheating, the issue could be worth addressing with your spouse.
What to Do if You Think Your Spouse Is Cheating
Common signs don’t guarantee infidelity. However, they can be indicators that something’s wrong in your relationship and it’s time for a deeper conversation with your spouse. If you suspect that your spouse is cheating on you, take the following steps to get to the bottom of it and navigate this difficult situation:
- Stay calm and try not to react impulsively. Your suspicions may not be correct. You don’t want to risk losing your spouse or causing a rift in the relationship over quick accusations of infidelity.
- Investigate for evidence of cheating. Document unusual spending and other odd behaviors. Be mindful of privacy laws and confidentiality, however; for example, it is illegal to privately record someone without their knowledge.
- Talk to someone. Confide in someone you trust about what’s happening, such as a friend or professional therapist. Having an outsider’s objective perspective and advice can help you decide what to do next.
- Have a direct conversation with your spouse. Calmly discuss the situation with your spouse in a neutral location. Try to ask questions without accusations or hostility. Ask for transparency in your spouse’s explanations for unusual behaviors.
- Evaluate your relationship. If you discover infidelity, take time to process this information and evaluate your relationship. Can you forgive your spouse? Is your relationship worth saving? Ask yourself if this is something that you want to work through or if it’s a deal breaker.
- Consider couples therapy. If your spouse is willing to participate, seeking help from a professional therapist could repair your relationship and make you stronger than ever if reconciliation is your goal.
- Protect yourself legally and financially. If your marriage is headed toward divorce, protect yourself by consulting with an attorney early on. A lawyer can help you get your finances in order and protect your legal rights, especially if you and your spouse have children together or valuable assets.
If you suspect your spouse is cheating and want to know more about your legal options, contact a San Diego family law attorney as soon as possible. Getting ahead of the situation will help your case in the long run.
